


A Deleted Scene from The Inferno

by Loki_is_on_crack



Category: La Divina Commedia | The Divine Comedy - Dante Alighieri, La vie de Gargantua et de Pantagruel | Gargantua and Pantagruel - François Rabelais
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-02
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-08-19 03:35:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8188123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loki_is_on_crack/pseuds/Loki_is_on_crack
Summary: Dante and his guide happen upon a very saucy monk during their tour though Hell, and learn of his fate.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Some familiarity with Dante's Inferno would be a little helpful -- if you're familiar, this scene was removed from the beginning of Dante's tour through [the Third Ring of the Seventh Circle](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inferno_\(Dante\)#Seventh_Circle_.28Violence.29). If you're unfamiliar with the works of Rabelais, the part that's relevant to this bit of crackfic can be found [here](http://knowledgenuts.com/2014/08/11/why-you-should-wipe-yourself-with-a-gooses-neck/).

As Virgil led me from the second ring  
of Circle Seven of that bleak domain,  
we happened on a most horrific sight.

A monk, lashed head and shoulders to a rack,  
until his neck was over five feet long,  
he screamed as if a woman giving birth.

Around him, in a congress loud and mad,  
a flock of perfect gleaming snow-white geese,  
they turned the crank that stretched hs neck out long.

And when they stopped, and gave him some relief,  
his neck was stretched to nearly seven feet,  
but for this monk, the worst was yet to come.

 _“These past two rings,”_ my guide explained to me,  
_“were for the violent, it has been ordained._  
_I’ve shown you this, that you may understand._

_“The first ring houses those who violate_  
_against their neighbors: acts of tyrany,_  
_and war and murder; all are punished here._

_“The second houses those who violate_  
_against themselves, through heinous suicide,_  
_they’ve damned themselves to take the forms of trees._

_“This third and final ring is for those damned_  
_who sinned against our God, and what He made,_  
_and what his grace inspired men to create.”_

As Virgil spoke, the geese stood round the monk,  
and waited for the screaming to abate.  
And when the monk was silent, they began:

_“Oh Rabelais, you clever clever monk,_  
_we’ve read Gargantua and Pantagruel,_  
_and from its pages, learned that you are wise._

_"Of special note, your thoughts on keeping clean,_  
_the moments after one has moved their bowels._  
_You truly are a man of wit and jest!”_

The monk was scared; despite his pain so far,  
he knew his torments barely just begun.  
He would have prayed, but what are prayers in Hell?

 _“We’re all delighted that you now are here,”_  
the geese continued. _“Tail-napkins we need._  
_Your neck, thus stretched, should easily suffice.”_

The screaming of the monk began anew,  
and Virgil led me firmly by the hand  
away from what the monk would soon endure.

In moments, from his chin to collarbones,  
the monk was fouled by goose-shit strong and rank,  
as if the geese had eaten naught but figs.


End file.
